i have suddenly become utterly terrified.

oprah was on the tv in the background while i was cooking and the show was about life in prison... no i don't usually watch oprah but there was nothing better on.

it only took about five minutes of that show to put me in a state of overwhelming fear... and i'm still scared. scared that i'm going to just slip up one night, get drunk, and steal a car. or anything else on the list of totally stupid shit i may or may not have attempted to do when i used to get drunk. i know you people hate it when i whine about the alcoholism thing but i can't seem to shake these horrible feeling that there's this one thing in my life that may just randomly pop up out of nowhere to rear its life-destroying head.

i am still terrified of police, also...because i'm so paranoid that i forgot to do SOMETHING somewhere and now have some kind of warrant for my arrest.

i think this is all because i have my life back now and it's better than it has been in such a long time. i'm not on that nothing-to-lose kick anymore. there are many MANY things to lose at this point.

i haven't drank in a really long time. i can't remember when the last time was, but it was probably over 8 months ago...and that time was an isolated incident. i have a system of taking antabuse and making sure i have mentally and emotionally stimulating things to do with my time. it works pretty well but perhaps i should go back into therapy or some counseling just to help me be less afraid.

i'm not even depressed anymore. i haven't been depressed since i started school again in january. i have been lonely, sad, angry...but not depressed. but i still am constantly remembering terribly stupid little things i remember doing when i was shitfaced, or how horrible i was to my parents when i was really depressed. i just try to not think about it and think about happier, more future-oriented things.

but since when am i a person who regrets the past? i really don't want to be that person. i don't want to be that person who doesn't accept responsiblity for their mistakes. i want to own up. i am different now, but i want to be able to say i've learned from my mistakes, not just repressed them and moved on.

but how do you learn from and accept your mistakes if you can hardly bear remembering them for more than a split second?

anyway. it will be alright. i must be having some real anxiety about moving back to new york and about going to a real school. and about moving in general. i end up placing my fears on the police because in this part of arizona...you don't pay a ticket, you don't show up for something you're supposed to and they come to your house and take you to jail. things as little as bouncing a check and not getting the notice that you owe the money in time can end up with you in jail for a few days. i guess its supposed to be that way everywhere, but i've always had my parents to help me remember to pay things on time...

deep down i guess i am scared that they will come to my house and say "we know what you did. we know you. and we're here now to take you away."

that this new life i have built will mean nothing. that deep down i am some sort of criminal.

i know i'm not. i've never done anything worthy of being locked up for a long period of time. but the fear is real.

on a happier note, i have been doing almost unfathomly well in both my math classes. not only that, but i have been on time, if not early...to a 9 am class...everyday of the week.

for a person whose life has been so chaotic and for somebody as generally disorganized and messy as i can be...i have discovered that math provides me with this incredible comfort. i love the organization of mathematics. it has become a part of my life. it has become an outlet.

believe me, i never ever ever thought i would say this...but i think i'm going to major in math. double major, that is...i will keep biology and perhaps add math. i need to keep at least one math class per semester to keep this balance i have. although science has also changed my life for the better, taking math classes has filled some kind of void in my life that i never knew was even there.

i got a 101 on my first trig exam. it was the first math exam that took me the entire class period to finish. it was probably the hardest math test i've taken so far...but it wasn't anything impossible. i've done well on math tests before, but i've never gotten a perfect score. not until now, at least. and i am starting to get little glimpses of how awesome (as in worthy of awe, not "awesome, dude") math can be and i am beyond excited for calculus in the fall. i am going to retake my placement test and get myself bumped up to the 2 semester calc sequence instead of the 3.

the brain and human memory is such an interesting thing. i hate the anxiety mine contains and many of the memories it stores...yet i am continually impressed and even amazed by the level of flexibility and performance this particular brain tends to display. i honestly don't know what my intellectual and academic limitations are anymore. it's still hard for me to say to myself, "i worked for this, and i did my best. my best happens to be very, very good." i still am surpised and feel almost like doing this well has just been an accident.

put THAT on a comb and brush your hair with it. or something.